“One day, you will be grateful for the things that didn’t work out as what you wished or planned for. He knows better.”
Now I finally understand why it was hard for me to let a man enter my heart, why I treated any man who tries to get to know me coldly. Before this, I used to be the girl who would easily get attached to someone and love unconditionally.
You see, the thing about a girl who gets attached too quickly is once she gets attached, she is loyal, she is committed, she is honest, she is faithful, she is dependable, she is caring. But you know what comes with that? She is jealous, she is clingy, she is annoying, she is emotional, she is crazy. You could push her away, but she will still come back to you. You could piss her off, but she can never stay mad at you. You could lie to her, but she will still try to trust you. You could keep making mistakes, but she will forgive you over and over again. You could make her hate you, but she will start loving you all over again.
I was that girl and maybe, just maybe, that's the reason why I couldn't easily move on.
I was heartbroken and started to change to a point where I can no longer tell how it feels like to be in love again. To a point where saying the word sayang gives me chills, or even I love you. I didn't realise that my heart becomes hardened and I've turned into a cold-hearted person. For years, I've closed my heart down. I didn't want to get hurt again, didn't even want to try. So I turned myself to ice and stone, said I don't need anyone, and nobody else would ever make me cry.
But I was wrong for doing that.
All those years of shutting down my heart, I didn't realise that I've met and known wonderful men in my life but I couldn't love because of what I did to myself. I pushed them away from me, kept making excuses of why things didn't work. I was blind.
No matter how cold I was, I still carry hope in my heart. The only thing I didn't realise was the hope that I've been carrying was unrealistic.
I spent years trying to find a man who deserves the place in my heart. I prayed with all my heart to meet him and convinced myself that this is going to be worth it. But all this time, I didn’t realise that it was me who’s not yet ready to move forward. Only recently I realised, I was so into admiring the good side of a person till I forgot that everyone has their flaws. That in reality, nobody is perfect.
Love is more than that.
Love is also about accepting the flaws of the person we love. It is only when you have learned to value the person’s imperfections that you’ll be able to love unconditionally.
Another thing I've learned from all these years is that you don't have to spend years trying to find someone who meets the criteria you like just because you think those things will make you happy. In fact, accept that person for who he (or she) is, and show how much he (or she) means to you. The more you give and show your love towards that person, the more happier you'll become. It's not about how much you receive, but how much love you put into giving.
Learning to appreciate.
One thing I didn't write on my previous post about turning a year older is that I began to realise my mistakes and I want to make a change in my life. So I decided to make peace with my past, forgive and forget about it, and start fresh. The good news is that I'm slowly starting to open up my heart again.
Learn to love unconditionally and you will leave a mark on someone's heart forever.
My goal now is to learn to appreciate the person I love, who also loves me, with all my heart. If I could achieve it, then it'd be my greatest achievement ever.